Dear Purity Culture...

It's not you, it's me (but actually it IS you)

I always have a nice, outlined plan in my head for the sequence and topics of my articles…and then those plans have gone out the window each week as it comes time to write because my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. But, I feel that to keep my posts as real as possible, it’s worth having my story come out a little scattered in order to stay true to emotions that arise.

And, honestly, my brain is literally always scattered, so it makes sense and is probably more true-to-life that way anyways ;)

Although my original plan was to continue sharing more about my mental health growing up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints / Mormon church this week, I had a flood of thoughts come to me the past few days that I want to record.

Because this article encompasses such a foundational part of what my Substack is for, and something I hope others from similar experiences can relate to, I am going to remove the paywall for this specific article—a letter to purity culture—so both my free and paid subscribers can have full access.

TW: Mentions of abuse, addiction, and other dysfunction from purity culture.

I recognize that everyone’s definition of purity culture varies by religion, culture, family, and lived experiences. Many people have been deeply hurt by purity culture in much more painful and traumatic ways than what I have experienced. If that is you, please practice self care if triggers arise and know that I am sending hugs.

Please Note: It is not uncommon for strangers to claim that, because I lived such strict rules regarding modesty and purity culture, I must have just had overly strict parents, or bad church leaders growing up who taught me those rules—not that those exact teachings and practices came from the church itself.

I want to be clear that I have amazing parents, and I had the best church leaders growing up—especially as a teenager. None of this was a “them” problem. My parents, family, and local leaders all led with love and genuinely wanted the best for me. Any harmful messaging I did receive through them was directly from the church (and the same messages that they were taught themselves).

Dear Purity Culture:

It feels weird to address you directly. I’m not sure why, though; you’ve been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

You have varied in your level of influence on me throughout my life, but even as a child you were very present. You have never not been there.

You were difficult to make sense of as a child, but I knew that you were connected to my worthiness with God.

I knew that not having you in my life would be bad. Really bad. I also knew that you were complex and had way more rules than just “no sex until marriage.” You dictated when I could date, how I should date, how I should dress, how I shouldn’t dress, how I should act, what I should think, what I shouldn’t think, how I should view my own body, who could see my body, and who could touch my body. You affected me so much that you became a defining part of me.

Above all, I understood, even as a child, that Heavenly Father and Jesus cared more about my relationship with you than almost anything else. Being loyal to you was the way to be good. And disobeying you? I was taught that only murder was worse.

Honestly, I’ve been in a relationship with you far longer than any human I’ve ever been in a relationship with.

I think we both know, though, that our time is over—we just haven’t made it “official” yet. Because you’ve been with me for decades, I want to acknowledge the good first…because there was good.

It’s difficult to pick apart what I can attribute to you, my religion, or my family, etc. because it is all so intertwined. I do know, however, that you and I shared all those moments.

Every. One.

You were with me through it all: through the innocence, the curiosity, the butterflies, all the exciting “firsts.” The highs, the lows, the dating, the not-dating. You were there through everything.

I knew that God wanted you and me to be together. Loyalty to you meant loyalty to Him. Always.

Do you remember in high school how we would listen to the song, “Beautiful to Him” on repeat every single day while I got ready for school, as a reminder for myself that I loved God and wanted to follow Him more than I wanted to ever act or dress “worldly?”

Remember how I loved that song because it reminded me of everything I had been taught from prophets, apostles, church leaders, parents, and the scriptures: that God saw the real beauty in me?

Purity Culture (…can I call you PC?), you taught me that real beauty was found in following a higher law of purity and virtue, which proved my love to Him (as well as to my future husband).

I was reminded in almost every lesson that Heavenly Father loved and valued my modesty and my purity. It was an essential part of being a valiant daughter of God.

But, of course you remember everything, PC. You weren’t only there, you were influencing and guiding all of it—my actions, my thoughts, my words, my dress, my opinions, my everything. There was no me without you.

I remember you were there when I worried about being “immodest” as a teenager in the temple after doing baptisms for the dead. I had just taken a shower and had a towel wrapped around me while I waited for my locker stall (in an all girls locker room) to be available.

Although I knew logically that it wasn’t “bad” because it was appropriate for the setting, something in me still felt dirty and uncomfortable to have so much of my shoulders and my thighs exposed in the temple. And I hated feeling guilty and immodest in the temple, where I wanted to feel pure.

In many ways, I know you protected me, and I am grateful for that.

As you know, I have extremely pale skin. The modesty rules you had me follow probably saved me from a lot of awful sunburns.

In junior high and high school, I gravitated towards friends who were also close to you—some who were Mormon like me, but many were dedicated to other religions. Those similar standards and shared values led me to become friends with amazing people who I maybe wouldn’t have gotten close to or met otherwise.

Following you and your rules led to a lot of genuinely good, positive, happy memories (mostly with the group of friends mentioned above). There was a playfulness in our dynamic and energy that I think partially came from our innocence.

There are many hobbies and activities in general I may not have been involved in if it weren’t for you.

You might have also helped me avoid some negative relationships and sexual experiences. I avoided STDs while you and I were together.

Through your influence, I developed an intense level of self control. Those sacrifices, along with the accompanying loneliness, longing, and guilt I experienced increased my compassion and empathy for others.

The entire dynamic of being unmarried for “so long” (in the Mormon context) and not being sexually active at all in my teens and twenties helped me to develop character traits and independence in ways I otherwise probably wouldn’t have.

Often, the more difficult it is to attain something, the more you appreciate it. Because I followed you, I appreciate healthy relationships and healthy sexuality in ways that many people could not relate to.

PC, there are undeniable benefits that you brought to my life. Thank you.

I also want to acknowledge younger me, who trusted you and loved you so much.

I was taught that you were essential to my worthiness in God’s eyes. I wanted to be worthy. I wanted to be good. Following you was the foundational key to being “good.” Younger me would have sacrificed anything for you. In fact, she did sacrifice everything for you. She trusted you and she trusted the men who said they spoke for God—the men who introduced us to each other.

I respect younger me and love her. She was so good. She did everything she was capable of to try to be good and to do good within the framework and context she had for life.

I am proud of her. I am SO proud of her.

I am proud of the strength and commitment younger me had. I am proud of the integrity she demonstrated to live her beliefs, even when no one was watching. She fought so hard to be true to you.

It’s because of her and her dedication to you that I thank you for the part you played in my life. She loved you. So much. So, thank you one final time for all the good.

But, PC, I am done being nice. And I am done with you.

Even though there was good, we need to talk about everything else you do: the harm, the manipulation, the stealing of innocence in the very name of innocence.

You market yourself as pure, Godly, virtuous, righteous, and wise. And you know what? You’re good at what you do. Really good. You are a good marketer, because at the surface (and sometimes even some of the layers beneath it), you are all those things.

You’ve tied yourself to God so well and so effectively. For me, the lessons I learned about you, and the lessons I learned about God, were so deeply intertwined that it sometimes felt growing up like you two were synonomous. And you love that, don’t you? It’s always fun to play God.

But you have lied. A lot.

You have convinced so many that if people don’t support you, they don’t support any morals or boundaries.

But you were wrong. You don’t own morals. You don’t own family values. You don’t own boundaries. And, you no longer own me.

You have people so convinced that you are the only way, the best way. That all other ways are sinful, dirty, and harmful. When, in reality, that’s what you are at your core. On the outside, you look beautiful, pristine, innocent, and full of God’s promise. But when you look closer, you aren’t everything you claim to be. I’ve seen the harm you have done to so many.

Yes, you have brought some good to some people’s lives. But you have also led to so much unnecessary shame, so much misinformation, and so much hurt.

If everything you say is true, and if you are truly the best way, why is there consistently so much more addiction, so much more abuse of children, so much more harm for women, and so much more deception everywhere you show up?

You promise to protect women, children, and families…yet, the facts and anecdotal evidence of what you do say otherwise.

You make promises you can’t keep and you put vulnerable people in vulnerable positions. Yes, it “works out” in the best case scenarios…but even then, you like to leave marks on people, don’t you? Like all the most effective abusers and manipulators, you’ve convinced your victims of your goodness so well that they defend you.

You and I know each other well, PC, so you know you can’t pretend or hide when I talk to you. You know you can’t defend yourself when I say you aren’t what you say you are.

I have seen too much over the years. I know too much. I am done with your lies and your deceit. You make a lot of pretty promises. But you don’t seem to be too big on keeping those promises.

You have ruled so many of our lives, making us think that you were the only way to God. You have brought so much more damage than protection.

I don’t think I have ever been over something the way I am over you.

Just like I wanted to take a moment in this letter to acknowledge and honor my younger self, I also need to take a moment to stand up to you and defend her.

You made promises to her (and millions of others) you knew you couldn’t keep.

F*ck you.

You raised her in a hypersexualized culture, where she learned that her body could be sexualized before she even learned to read.

F*ck you.

You taught her to trust men more than her own instincts and inner voice.

F*ck you.

You made her feel guilty getting ready for school as a teenager—in her bathroom, alone—in just her layering tanktop that she wore underneath all her shirts. It was comfortable and she wanted to just wear that while she got ready, but had been taught to be modest at “all times, and in all things, and in all places.” She stopped doing that to err on the side of modesty.

F*ck you.

You taught her that showing too much of her body made her p*rnography. Do you understand how damaging that is, especially to teenage girls? You’ve seen the damage and redirect the blame back on us.

F*ck you.

You wrote a script for her life and her body without taking her into consideration—her thoughts, feelings, personality, needs, or biology. And then you signed that script in God’s name.

F*ck you.

You taught younger me at a young age that her body was not her own; she needed to keep her body pure for God and her future husband. You taught her that even dressing immodestly was being disloyal to her future husband.

F*ck you.

You put her in countless positions that were infinitely more dangerous than consensual, premarital sex, while simultaneously claiming to protect her.

F*ck you.

You rolled the dice with her safety.

F*ck you.

You taught her that modesty was essential to have God’s Spirit with her and that good boys would not be interested in dating or marrying her if she dressed immodestly.

F*ck you.

You took away her autonomy in so many ways. She learned to dissociate from her own body in unhealthy, traumatizing ways in order to follow you.

F*ck you.

You teach people how to follow rules, but they are always YOUR rules. You taught younger me how to say “no,” but only in the ways that benefitted you. You tell us what is safe or what isn’t, and we must align with that, whether it actually is safe or not.

F*ck you.

What sucks is that women and children are the ones who get hurt the most because of you.

F*CK YOU.

And I’m over it.

Yes, you bring some good…but the good doesn’t justify the harm you do and, frankly, there are other ways to have good, as well. You lead to so much dysfunction and abuse. You don’t mind that, though, do you? That’s what gives you life.

I don’t need to explain everything to you, PC. You know exactly what I am talking about.

It has been weird distancing from you the last few years. You taught me that people who don’t have you in their life lose focus of all morals, standards, and ethics. That they have no boundaries. They have no family values. They have no self control.

You were wrong. So wrong.

That’s really all there is to it.

I don’t want to live in anger and I am not an overall angry person. But you have consistently caused so much harm and trauma, so it needs to be said:

Fuck you for hurting so many people. So many families. Couples. Women. Men. Gays. Everyone. But especially kids. And especially in God’s name.

I am breaking up with you and every negative, harmful, shameful, unhealthy ideology you embody. I know I’ll see you around, but I no longer accept your teachings about me or my body. I know you are clingy and don’t handle breakups well, but I won’t be responding to your messages from now on.

There is goodness outside of you. There are morals outside of you. And (spoil alert), it can actually be more ethical, more honest, and more effective than anything you could ever offer.

Okay, it’s been real, PC. Too real. And we’re done for real. (Get some help, okay?)

Goodbye, Purity Culture. I won’t miss you.

-Madison

(PS…but seriously: f*ck you)